


i’ll meet you in the light

by possumdnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Nevada road trip, post coming-out universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 12:10:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19745491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possumdnp/pseuds/possumdnp
Summary: Phil looks at the photo and seesthemhow he sees them in his own head, not them as their larger-than-life internet personas. It’s them, happy and at peace with their lives and who they are in 2019. And he suddenly has the strangest urge to share the photo, to show the world how damn happy he and Dan are, despite everything that’s happened in the past.





	i’ll meet you in the light

It starts with a photo. It often does; as people who make a living in front of and behind cameras, they take an awful lot of photos.

Up to this point in their lives, it would have been one that would have sat in Phil’s camera roll, to be paused upon and smiled at on a later date, when one of them scrolled back in search of a different photo. 

It is, by all accounts, a good picture. It’s in-focus and the background is the Nevada desert at sunset- exotic for two Londoners like them. Their expressions are good, though Dan is squinting a bit because he’d just taken off his sunglasses, and Phil’s quiff has been made untidy by the breeze.

Phil likes the photo when he looks at it. But it’s not one he would have ever considered sharing up to this point. Because his arm is wrapped around Dan’s shoulders, hand casually resting on his upper arm. They’re angled towards one another, pressed close to fit in the frame. They’re smiling their real smiles, not fake or exaggerated. This is them, enjoying their road trip together. 

It’s also unquestionably _them-as-a-couple_ , not them-as-best-friends or them-as-performers.

Phil looks at the photo and sees _them_ how he sees them in his own head, not them as their larger-than-life internet personas. It’s them, happy and at peace with their lives and who they are in 2019. And he suddenly has the strangest urge to share the photo, to show the world how damn happy he and Dan are, despite everything that’s happened in the past.

\---

They’ve had many discussions these past ten years about privacy, what their limits are, how much sharing is too much. 

Not at first, not really, because they were brand new, and keeping things to themselves felt special. And with the world the way it was, well. It wasn’t as if either of them were comfortable snogging in public anyway, or even holding hands. They found more than enough joy in being affectionate only at home.

When they did discuss boundaries back then, it was in terms of practicality. Neither of them were out to their families (until Phil’s parents put two and two together a few months in). Dan wasn’t out to anyone in his life. And even though the internet had been a safe space for both of them, being open online was still a scary concept. Even though they weren’t well-known at the time, they’d seen public online relationships turn messy. 

Things were fine for a while. Then their popularity started exploding, and discussions of privacy and boundaries needed to happen more. And things got worse before they got better. It hurts both of them to look back on that time, to think of Dan aggressively denying his sexuality to the internet, to think the pain Phil felt when he was outed for the second time in his life. He and Dan never doubted each other, but sometimes, it really felt like it was them versus the world.

Discussions about privacy have never stopped. But they have gotten more productive. In the past few years, with the help of therapy and self-acceptance, they’ve been able to be more open with each other, and with their audience.

Certain things are so obviously off-limits when they’re filming that they’ve never even talked about it. They’re never going to kiss on camera, call each other “boyfriend,” or use any assortment of saccharine pet names (which they do sometimes use ironically off-camera. Phil knows they both secretly, unironically like it).

Other things are less certain. Some lines are constantly changing, because the two of them as people are constantly changing. They carefully plan more than their audience will ever know.

They’ve discussed and planned what they would and wouldn’t do during meet-and-greets.

What they would say if an audience member shouted out a lewd answer during their show.

What they choose to edit out of videos (a crude joke about shirtless men from Phil that went too far outside of his 2015 AmazingPhil persona).

What they choose to leave in videos (a similar joke, made three years later, that has somehow become the definition of Phil's humour in 2018).

What games they should play on the gaming channel.

Hell, even _how_ they play the games. god only knows how anxious Dan from five years ago would have become if you’d told him Dil’s son would grow up to date the Pancakes’ son.

They are in constant communication of “Is this too much?” or “Are you okay with this included?” Boundaries have been established over time, and then shifted as time progressed. It’s a fine balance. 

And that balance has now been overturned by their coming out videos. They’re still figuring out who they are in this post-coming-out universe. (Not that either of them are complaining, because even though it’s surreal, it’s also the best feeling ever.) 

\---

“We could post stuff like this now, you know,” Phil says sleepily, staring at the photo of them. Right now, they’re lying in a hotel bed together after a long day of road tripping. Phil’s head is on Dan’s shoulder, and Phil is scrolling back through the pictures that he’d taken today, so he could always remember this holiday.

He’s paused on the photo of the two of them because it makes him smile. It really is a good picture. His eyes linger on his own arm, draped casually over Dan’s shoulders. At the lack of tension in Dan’s posture and facial expression. At Dan’s curls tickling Phil’s forehead.

“We could,” Dan agrees, glancing over. His voice is calm and neutral.

Phil spends the next few minutes going through the process of flipping through Instagram filters before giving up and tossing his phone onto the bed beside him. A spark of frustration has flared unexpectedly in his chest, and despite his tiredness, he suddenly feels restless. He huffs out a sigh that sounds harsh to even his own ears.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” asks Dan. He also switches off his phone, twisting over so that he can place it on the bedside table, before settling on the pillow to face Phil.

“I dunno. Sometimes privacy feels like its own closet, you know?”

“But I thought we wanted that. Privacy is good. Healthy.”

“I know it is.” Phil says, sighing and rubbing a hand over his tired eyes. “And I love being private. I know I do. I dunno what I’m even saying.”

“Do you think it feels like we’re hiding still?”

“I mean, not really. Everyone knows, don’t they?” 

“Especially the ones who matter.” The faint crinkles by Dan’s eyes deepen as he smiles, and Phil feels (for the billionth time this year) so proud of him. Since coming out to his family, Dan’s been closer to them than he has been in years. He’s talked to his mum every weekend, and he texts his nana almost daily.

“It’s just. Even though I love being private, sometimes I just want to shout to the world how much you mean to me. Because I love you a lot.”

“I love you a lot too, rat.” 

Phil grins and pokes him in the arm. “I just wish I didn’t have to think so much sometimes. I wish I could be stupid about you, call you my boyfriend to everyone I meet, because I spent so long telling myself I couldn’t, not even to some of our friends.” He pauses, tracing the freckles on Dan’s arm. “I think just knowing that I _could_ post a cute picture now, that’s the hard part.”

“Just like how we _could_ hold hands in public now.” They’d talked about that in the excited haze after Dan’s video dropped. They _could_ hold hands, hug, kiss. They _could_ go to Pride (and hold hands, hug, and kiss _at_ Pride). They _could_ make domestic, cheesy social media posts without having to add sarcastic captions to balance out their affection. They spoke like two starving people delightedly fantasizing about all the options at a buffet.

But reality hit, and they both know that it’s not them. It’s not who they are as a couple, and it never will be. Even when they’re with friends who know they’re together, they’re simply not PDA people. And when Pride rolled around, Phil’s anxiety got the better of him, and he decided not to attend. And now, it’s this photo giving them pause. It’s yet another moment where they have to reconsider and redefine their boundaries together.

Phil sighs. “I know I’m never going to post it. I know it’s not something we want to share.”

“It is a cute photo, though,” Dan says.

“It really is.” Phil smiles.

Dan’s quiet for a bit. “Hey. Send it to me?” Phil picks up his phone and sends it over without hesitation. Dan would never do anything that pushes their boundaries without making sure Phil was on board first.

“What’re you doing?” Phil says, shuffling over so that his chin rests on Dan’s shoulder. Dan’s got his text conversation with his mum open.

“I’m sharing it.” Dan glances over at Phil, almost questioningly.

Phil’s heart feels warm. It’s perfect. He smiles at Dan and nods in approval.

He notices Dan’s finger shaking just a little as he hits send. Dan’s mum knows they’re together, but it _has_ only been a month of her knowing. This is pushing their boundaries, but in a different way. Phil sends Kath things like this all the time, but he doesn’t think Dan has ever spontaneously sent his own mum a picture of the two of them before.

It’s about thirty seconds before a grey bubble with dots appears on her side of the conversation.

_What a great picture Dan! You two look very happy!_

_we are_

_You having fun in Nevada then?_

_yeah. got a little sunburned but it’s been good_

_Why are you up so late? Get some rest! Love you xxxx_

_love you too mum_

He sees Dan smile at the phone before he turns it off and sets it on the dresser. “Even if we’re private, we’re not hiding anymore, Phil. I think that’s a big difference.”

Phil is so, so proud of Dan. Of both of them, really. He draws Dan close to gently kiss him, lingering just a bit and savouring the moment. When he moves away, he pulls Dan to his chest to hold him tightly. 

“Have I told you lately that I’m really happy?” Dan whispers.

Phil smiles into Dan’s hair. “Nope. Never.”

“I wish I could tell myself fifteen years ago that one day, I’d be sending a cute picture of me and my boyfriend to my mum, and that she’d be happy for me. That everything’d be okay.” He laughs. “‘Cept then younger me would cry, I think, and I dunno what I’d do with him then.”

“He’d only be crying because he’d know life got a lot better for him.”

“It really did.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a dream I had that they posted a cute sorta-coupley photo of them by an ocean, and I was sorta disappointed when I woke up and figured out that it wasn’t real. Then I wrote this. I hope you enjoyed it! Reblog on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/186172203625/ill-meet-you-in-the-light-rated-g-18k-summary)


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